News & Updates

Funny & Sarcastic

"My fave lines. SOme are mine, some are not. This is not plagiarism - THIS IS RESEARCH .. lol"



I called your boyfreind Gay and he Hit me with his purse.

I am not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing..

Dont Play games with a girl who can play better..

Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes..

I make a fool out of myself because I'm bored being smart

I started to believe in love when I first saw you..

I didn't lose my mind.. I sold it on Ebay

Whenever my parents say "I need to talk to you," I automatically think of all the bad things I've done.

I shower naked. How naughty of me ;)

When I was your age, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests..


I enjoy watching you making yourself look stupid


Practice makes pregnant


Better put a condom on honey, 'cause if you're gonna act like a d!ck, you should dress like one.



You were an asshole yesterday, youre gonna be an asshole tonight..and I got a feeling.. you'll be an asshole the rest of your life...


I am not single, I’m romantically challenged...


It’s amazing how someone who was once just a stranger, can suddenly mean the world to you.


Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.


Dear phone companies, please make all phones have the same phone charger. Sincerely, at my friend's house with dead phone battery.


Stop being so cute. I'm supposed to be mad at you.


TEENAGE YEARS: The best & worst times of your life.


That damn you moment when you start the same sentence like 3 times & someone keeps interrupting you.


Don't worry when I argue with you, worry when I stop, because it means there's nothing left to fight for.


HOMEWORK: "Do me do me." INTERNET: "Don’t listen to that slut."


Guys, don't make a girl your number one, make her your only one.



Rules for texting a girl: 1) Don't take 40 minutes to reply. 2) Use good grammar. 3) Ask questions. 4) Use the :) face.


I love it when you text me first, its good to know that i cross your mind.

Hey EMO.. Go kill yourself.. 

If you leave me, Can I come too?

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people.. We do it for ourselves - to get well and move on.

If your heart was a prison, I would like to be sentenced for life.

Here's to our Boyfriends and Flings or Girlfriends and flings - MAY THEY NEVER MEET!

Congratulations! You have won a huge place in my heart. You must come and take it or you will  never be happy.

There are Tulips in my garden. There are Tulips in the park. But nothing is more be beautiful  then our two lips meeting in the dark! 


I hate when I'm trying to be serious & I accidentally smile.


When she says ”I'm fine” she's actually about to blow up.


Don't get excited, but I'm naked under these clothes.


One lie is all it takes for a person to lose interest in you. Best thing to do is always be upfront, remain real & tell the truth.


I'm not a back up plan, and definitely not a fucking second choice.



The only people who can really hurt you, are the ones who matter most.


You're beautiful! :) until your Photoshop 30 day trial expires.....


Hi sweetie... can I borrow your pen? I urgently need to stab you in the eye with it


It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you are actually listening.


When I'm on my death bed and everyone is sitting around me,I want my last words to be: "I buried the money behind the..."


I see lots of things, except your point.


It would be nice if we could manage to get on the same level, but I'll never get that low and you'll never get this high


I hait it wen stoopid pepul spell stuf rong


And you think I care... Awww how cute!


I apologize if you don't like my vulgar, rude, blunt and, at times, foul always have the option to kiss my ass


Sometimes when I look at you, I just can't help fantasizing about kicking you in the face repeatedly.


Do you speak fluent bullshit or what?


Freedom of choice.. i am free and u're not my choice


Stupid people entertain me but damn your an over achiever


Shit happens...And assholes advertise it!!!


I might just be the greatest thing you never had...


Love me or hate me, you're still thinking of me... and that's why I keep my page public, so you can keep checking. :)


My personal life is none of your business...and YOURS is of no interest to me!!



It makes me laugh when someone says they don't care about u or what you do n yet they keep checking your status n what you're doing


Husband & wife go past a field of sheep, goats,and pigs.. the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of urs?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"


Youre awesome dear, You can smile to me so sweetly while you stab me in my back


These are the days that i hate being me. But then i smile when i realise that at least I'm not you


Some people leave a footprint on your heart, some times I wanna leave footprints on their face.


I am on medication......... for YOUR protection


I never make the same mistake twice, I'm too busy making new ones


I couldn't insult you anymore than nature has already done!


Men are from mars. Women are from venus. And you are from hell.


look at ur fuckin brain, sweety:On the left side,there's nothing right & on the right side,there's nothing left


I don't hate you.. I just don't appreciate your existence


If karma doesn't hit you, don’t worry, I will.


If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!


Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.


Don't let your battleship mouth overrun your rowboat ass.


If stress burned calories instead of causing wrinkles and hair loss I'd be a super model


My mom + my dad - condom = GREATEST PERSON ALIVE :)


Ah arrogance and stupidity all in one package. How efficient of you.


When someone says "YOU SUCK!", this is when u reply, "Very well, and not just anyone" ;)


I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to

give my used toys to the less fortunate.


I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.


Okay world... I'm ready to see what you will throw at me today. * Rolling up my sleeves* Bring

it on and I'll bring mine!


 Careful. I have a black-belt in Sarcasm.


I am wondering why people who work hard give all their funds and fortune to the government, yet

those who hardly work get all their fortunes government funded


Dora has terrible parents, Dora's always in a dangerous situation and they're never around!


Facebook...a place where people who didn't talk to you in high school befriend you.



I would like to take a moment to say something really interesting and very important! Nothings coming to me right now, so check back later!



It's my game, my rules. If you don't like my rules, don't play my game.


We will never see eye to eye, mainly because we are different heights


ujlkjtrp[ishuytuibnhhgoui5tohiuhuhu Sorry there was a spider in the keyboard


I think peepl who type like dis need 2b smacked in da head wit a DICTIONARY. R u wit me?


I am just too tired to care right now, leave a message after the beep and I will try to give a damn in the morning… BEEP.


You made me an OPTION , welllll I’ll make you a HISTORY … lost and forgotten


You are not as bad as they say, you are much, much worse.



Don’t let your mind wander, it’s far too small to be let out on its own.


I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.


There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.


Trust me, you don't want my opinion!!!


You go bro! And don’t come back.


People are like a box of chocolates, some sweet, some filled with fluff, and some are just plain NUTS


Fake tan, fake nose, fake boobs, fake nails.. Girl, are you sure you're not made in China?


You're so effing pathetic for complaining why I unfollowed you.


A:"define moron!" B:"it's you."


Therapy is expensive. - Beer is cheap. - what to do? what to do?


If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!


The more you talk the more I realize why birth control was invented.


Why do men think they're the only ones that play the game? Eve made u eat the apple, remember??


I'm not special... just one of gods limited editions


 Did u eat a bowl of frogs 4lunch? U look like a prince!


You think I'm heartless? Well, at least I'm better than the brainless you.               


Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


 You!... Off my planet!


I am soooo not listening.


I wasn't born a princess, but if the Tiara fits?


I'd love to help you out! Which way did you come in?!


I'm not a NAG … I'm a motivational speaker!


I'm not Bossy; I just know what everyone should be doing.


I've got more issues than a magazine.



Insanity is inherited - you get it from your children.


Life is tough, but it's tougher when your stupid.


We're off like a herd of turtle.


You can agree with me or you can be wrong!


You can't stay young forever, But you can be immature for the rest of your life.


Money doesn't buy class.


Please Go Fascinate Someone Else!


If I can't fix it … it must NOT be broken!


I don't need your insults… I get them at home.


I had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me!


Easily distracted by shinny objects.


Empty Promises, Calculated Betrayal, Sociopathic Greed, Just Another Monday


And which dwarf are you?


Are you a bad side effect of my medication?


Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, But it only takes four muscles to extend your arm out and smack'em in the head.


My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.


The awkward moment when you realize they were nice to you because they wanted something…


You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.


I used to be schizophrenic, but I'm all right now.


Have you ever noticed that “lol” looks like a drowning man? I don’t think he was laughing out loud..


Work at home! Earn money! Believe anything!


As a joke, I would love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell “Got it!” and then run away.


If one 1 out of 4 people is nuts and three of your friends are cool... guess where you stand...


You want me, but only if I follow your rules, only if I can be who you think I should be, only


if I go against my own beliefs? I don't think you really want me.


To all Backstabbers: Please use a sharper knife... the blunt blade you're using is just giving me an itch on my arse...


People will always surprise you. So before you let yourself get hurt, remember it's YOUR life & you can control who hurts you and who doesn't.


Friendship requires a little more than just clicking the "accept" button!


Sometimes your the windshield...Sometimes your the bug...Today~ I'm the Bitch behind the wheel.


Death is life's way of telling you that you've been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life,


You can't fire me, I Quit!


To all men that judge women solely by their looks and act like animals around them, when you have children, may you be blessed with all girls.


Roses are red,Violets are blue.BEAUTY made me!Who made You?


I blame everything on Monday!


Lose all the weight you want, you're still ugly.


Isn't it funny how you can tell who is bi-polar just by reading Facebook status's?


A cheating man is like a dog...they use one bitch after another!!


I hate when I say "I'm bored" and someone asks me "why what's going on?" it's because nothing is going on you idiot!


Lord give me patience cause if u give me strength ill strangle them


*Warning* hands OFF hes mine BITCH


Alcohol (check)


Teacher: You're disrupting my lesson. Student: No miss, you're disrupting my conversation!'


I'm angrier than a midget trying to use a yo-yo


Oh hey, you here to buy a life? What took you so long?


Stupidity is a serious disease, please find the cure before u die


No you're not fat, grab 2chairs and sit with us :D


I've decided to add "extensive experience in dealing with stupid people" to my resume. That HAS GOT to be a marketable skill.


You don't understand the things I do, but if you'd mind your own business you wouldn't have



Jealousy is an illness...Get well soon!